First night

first night

The day went well and it ended hard.  The girls had played so well together all night, but then it took a turn.  Phoebe Jin Cheng started staring out the window, looking down at the big city of Beijing, from the 23rd floor of our hotel.  And the tears started rolling.  I wasn't surprised, but it wasn't easy.  Not going to lie.  I told her all the things I wanted her to know- that she was safe, that she will always be loved, that she is beautiful, that she is treasured (thank God for an adoption book I have, that I can say all these things in Mandarin).  Every time I said something, she nodded her head.  She was listening.  She let me hold her hand.  Malia handed her tissues. Malia stared out the window with her, remembering how hard it can be.  I couldn't have been more proud of our older daughter.  I finally thought to have Joe put on a Chinese cartoon.  After what seemed like forever, but was probably only 15 minutes, I was able to coax her into the bed to watch tv.  I remembered she loves music, so we found a Chinese-type Idol show, with singing.  That perked her up.  Shortly after that, both girls settled in their beds and went to sleep.  Phoebe gave both mama and baba hugs.  She's still sleeping.  I know we have so many more days of hard and each time I woke up last night, I just prayed that I would do or say the right things.  We can do this.  We'v done this before.  The other hard thing is how it feels to care for what feels like someone else's child.  I remember this so well, when we first had Malia.  It will all come in time.  Today, we go to the Civil Affairs office, to finalize the adoption.  She will be ours, and eventually, she we come to understand what it all means-that love is more than words, that it's a feeling inside that grows over time, and that family means forever.  It's what her big sister has learned.  It doesn't mean hard days won't come, but it means we will always be there for one another.  Wo ai ni, Li Jin Cheng (Phoebe JinCheng Brockway).  I will always love you.